Losing A Pet & Giving Yourself Time To Grieve

I'm sorry to post this sad blog post when everyone is supposed to be happy and jolly and ready for Christmas but this year, I'm not really feeling that festive anymore because on the 7th December we lost our gorgeous, completely crazy cat Squeak and the house just doesn't feel the same anymore. 

If you follow me on twitter on instagram then you may have seen that I recently lost one of my eldest cats Squeak who was 15 and it's really hit me hard, I'm feeling so lost and empty without her. I've obviously lost other animals in my past, the last cat we lost Bonnie we had to have put to sleep on 8th July 2013 because we found out she had cancer in her mouth and it was spreading further into her body which broke my heart so much. I even blacked out walking out of our back door as I watched her in the garden for the last time and I ended up spraining my ankle (literally one of the worst days of my life). 

But I think Squeak's passing has affected me more because she had gotten better after being really unwell back in October and we found out she had Chronic Kidney Disease. The vet basically said she wasn't a well cat but we could try her with antibiotics and food mixture in a syringe for a week and see how she goes, if not then we'd have to consider having her put to sleep. Amazingly, she got better, she even started to enjoy being fed through a syringe I'm sure. She'd recovered pretty well even though she didn't put much weight back on since her unwell stage she seemed happy and content and wanted lots of attention like normal. So it's just been such a shock to the system to her being here and seemingly getting back on track and then just not being around.

 When we moved here back in 2005 she lived across the road but because they had quite big dogs which scared her and she was always put outside/chose to be outside and she must've seen our house and thought "I'm going there". She sat on our doorstep for months and we gave her attention and food but we knew she had a home because she had a collar on and obviously we could see her running from their house and across to ours. We didn't want to steal her from her owners obviously but then one day, they packed up and left and left Squeak behind and that was when she moved in. 

She did use to go outside a lot but then over the past few years she was more of a house cat and rarely really went outside, which I think is another reason why it's hitting us all so hard because she was basically just part of the furniture and we just expect her to be in either the living room, kitchen or downstairs bathroom. Another weird thing about her and another example of her odd ways is that she would never go upstairs. She probably had been upstairs less than 10 times in the 11 years she'd lived with us.

Squeak has never been quite "right" I think because she was a tabby cat, she was a bit well, mad and strange. For instance she would fall into such a deep sleep she'd fall off the chair with a thud, she'd also wake up all of a sudden jump off the chair and scuttle into the kitchen for food or the litter as if she was in a race and whenever she used her litter she attempted to cover up her mess but always would completely miss and throw out the litter and make more of a mess and so many other little funny things. But all of those things are what made her so special to us and now even though we do have 3 other lovely cats Tabby, Charlie and Minnie, it feels like the house has lost a bit of its craziness. I know for a fact I'll never have another cat like her.

She died in our living room and I'm not going to lie, it wasn't nice watching her pass and seeing her get weaker, watching her try and fight it because she didn't want to leave us and also seeing her pretty eyes fade to nothing. But we decided because our usual vets are around 15 miles away, we probably wouldn't have got there in time and it would've caused her to be stressed in her final stages of her life. It just wouldn't have been fair. So instead me and my dad stroked her and talked to her as she was passing and I think it was the best decision and what she would've prefered, rather than dying in the back of the car or hearing other dogs, cats and people before being put to sleep. 

~ Remembering Squeak & Receiving Little Signs From Her Since She's Passed ~

When my last cat Bonnie died I decided to get a little necklace in memory of her. It's nothing special or expensive, it's just a little dainty love heart necklace which was from ASOS and was less than £10 but it just means something to me. I do wear it sometimes and it's always somewhere close by. So I decided for Squeak, I would do the same.

Because of Squeak's little weird ways I decided to get a Johnny Loves Rosie necklace with an acorn charm and you're probably thinking, why would you buy an acorn? Well, if you're familiar with the Ice Age movies then we've always said Squeak is like the Sabre-Tooth Squirrel Rat. How he would run and then all of a sudden stop dead in its tracks and then run in a different direction and also the fact that all he cared about was his acorn and Squeak was like that when she had chicken, she would even growl to warn off the other cats and make a noise as if she was saying "Mine, Mine, Mine" which was again another funny thing about her. So that's why I got the acorn necklace because it's just got a little meaning behind it.

The last thing I want to write about is something that some people may be interested in or you might not be interested at all and obviously, it's entirely up to you, I accept everyone has their own opinions. I personally believe that there is *something* after you pass over and it's not just a whole lot of nothingness. On Thursday night after Squeak had died, I couldn't sleep (what's new) it was in the middle of the night probably just before 4am and I was really upset as expected. I thought I heard our doorbell ring and then 10 minutes later I heard it again. I honestly thought "oh god, I'm either going mad or I'm just overtired" I obviously didn't check if anyone was there and I thought if my mum or dad had heard it then maybe they'd wake up too, which they didn't which I thought was kind of strange because our doorbell is really loud. Then the following morning, I was awake pretty early considering I hadn't slept well and at around 7.40am, I heard the doorbell again and again my parents didn't hear it. So I then decided to google about hearing doorbells and signs etc after a loved one has died and I found out that knocks on the door or hearing doorbells but no one is there is a sign that if a loved one has recently passed over that they've made it to the "other side" and honestly since reading that, I've felt a sense of relief and peace for Squeak and also acceptance of her passing and it's just so weird and I know some people may think it's a whole lot of mumbo jumbo but it's just what I believe in and I just wanted to share and kind of spill my feelings and thoughts and it's also given me some sort of closure too. 

Again, I'm sorry for the sad blog post but it felt wrong not to write about how I'm feeling and just about my little cutie Squeak in general, I'm obviously missing her so much, we all are but we're now kind of accepting her not being around and just remembering the good times and the fun times with her. I also just wanted to say thank you again for all the lovely messages and tweets last week, it really means a lot. I'm sorry I didn't reply to all of you, I was just feeling so drained and I still am. As I'm writing this I have got the flu which is probably because of my mood and emotions being so low but I'm trying to get into some sort of festive spirit by watching Christmas films and drinking lots of tea x

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